Landslide.

Okay. So I haven't been using this site as much as I had originally thought... but this always happens... I'll sign up for a blogging site, blog for a little while, then never go back on. Blah... Sorry, guys... I just didn't want to blog about something irrelevant. I wanted to wait until I actually had something important to say.

I've held this in for too long... and I feel like I am on the verge of exploding. Why don't I just talk to my friends about my problems, you ask? I have a few that would be more than willing to listen... but I just... I don't like talking about it. I don't like feeling weak. I haven't even spoken to my parents about any of this, even though I know my mom is more than willing to. She's tried to bring it up more than once in the past. But I get angry. I fight back. I get defensive and I shut myself off from it like I always do. I make up some fucking excuse to delay the inevitable.

Even when my own mother is crying at the dinner table beside me, trying to comfort me when she's the one who needs all the comfort in the world, I barely even look at her. I simply can't bring myself to do it. I respond with one-word statements. I focus on something else and I nod my head.

She is always questioning my feelings toward the situation. "Don't you care that she's gone?" "Have you already moved on?"

Yes, Mom. Of course I care that she's gone. She's my twin sister, for God's sake. We were always inseparable growing up. We played pretend together, shared the same best friend, talked for hours and hours in bed on a school night. Whenever I was scared, she was there. She'd sleep in my room if I was too afraid to be alone. If someone was ever mean to me, she protected me; she always stood up for me.

When I was in 5th grade, I had an episode one night. I woke up screaming. I was terrified, I couldn't stop shaking, and I couldn't be alone for seconds at a time. I was so scared the very next morning that I couldn't even take a shower without breaking down with fear. She stood outside the bathroom while I took that shower. She let me know that she was there for me, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. She was, after all, just on the other side of that door. My twin sister... My best friend...

And now she's gone. Living her life without a care in the world. She didn't even have the decency to speak to my parents one last time before she went her own way. She lied to her friends, to her boyfriend's family. She made my parents look like the bad guys. And she honestly thinks she's done nothing wrong.

Maybe it's my anger towards her that prevents me from showing any compassion. This isn't the first time she's let me down. I just wish she knew how much we all love her. I wish she knew how much I love her. How much it burns me up inside to be the only child these days. I can't say it's something I haven't ever wished for sometimes. But as most things go, now that I have that, I no longer want it. I wish it never came to this.

Twins share a connection with each other. Any twin can tell you this. And the farther apart I am from her, the more turmoil I feel within myself.

I wonder if deep down, wherever she may be, she can feel my suffering.

I wonder if that even bothers her.